Female Seeks Mature Male

Julia was 12 years old. Her best friend Betsy was 13. Summer was almost over. School was about to start. Julia and Betsy were having lunch at BurgerBoy. Betsy had decided that Julia needed a boyfriend.

“But why?” asked Julia. “I’m okay without one. What good is a 12-year-old boy anyway? All they’re interested in is playing baseball or riding their skateboards. Where does a girl fit into that picture?”

“Don’t be silly,” replied Betsy. “And forget about 12-year-olds. They’re immature. You should go for someone more experienced—someone at least 13 years old. Someone who will carry your books and walk you to your classes. You need someone who’ll give you a Valentine’s Day card and remember your birthday. You need someone to comfort you when you’re sad and lonely. You need someone to protect you.”

“But my dad does that! That’s what dads are for. He comforts me; he protects me. And he remembers my birthday, too. I’ve got a backpack to carry my books, and I know where all my classes are. I don’t need an escort. And a Valentine’s Day card means that someone loves you. What if I don’t love them back? I don’t want a Valentine’s Day card from someone I don’t love. I don’t love anyone anyway. I’m too young. I don’t think I even know what love is. Besides, you don’t have a boyfriend. Why should I?”

“Because you're my first client. I've decided that I'm going to be a matchmaker when I grow up.”

“Well, if I'm your first client, that means I'll probably also be your first mistake. No, thank you.”

How to Get out of Jury Duty

The mailman delivers good news and bad news. Topping the “bad news” list for many people who live in Los Angeles is a jury summons. This document tells you that you must respond by mail or phone for possible service on a jury. Many people feel that jury duty is a boring chore and would prefer not doing it.

In fact, court clerks say that the most common question they hear is: Why do I have to serve? The official response is: Jury duty is a responsibility that all qualified citizens must share.

If you are a citizen, if you can read and understand English, if you’re over 18 years old, and if you’re not a felon, you are eligible for jury duty. If you ignore the summons, you might be fined up to $1,500.

A jury trial might last one day or one month. If you work for the government, this is no problem, because the government will pay you your regular salary while you are on jury duty. However, if you are self-employed, you lose your regular income for that time period. Instead of your regular income, you get $15 a DAY for sitting on a jury. This is another reason people try to avoid jury duty.

Jack got the bad news yesterday. Even though he was retired and sat around all day watching reruns of old movies, he told his wife Polly he wasn’t going to be a juror. He hated jury duty and he was not going to let the courts interfere with his retirement.

“So how do you think you are going to get out of it?” Polly asked, both amused and irritated. “Are you going to claim that you’re dead? Or are you going to tell them you’ve moved out of the country?”

“No, both of those involve too much paperwork. I’ve got a better idea. It’s a medical excuse. It says here that if you have a physical disability, you can be dismissed.”

“What’s your disability? Your 'bad back' doesn't allow you to sit in a chair watching reruns all day?”

“No. Something better than that. I’ve got gas. It’ll offend the other jurors and everyone else in the courtroom. They’ll have to open all the windows or issue gas masks.”

“But there’s one problem. You don’t have gas.”

“But I know how to create it. I’ll eat a lot of peanuts and fruit the morning that I go to court. As soon as they get a whiff of my ‘problem,’ they’ll tell me to go home and stay home.”

“That’s a brilliant idea!” Polly said, as she rolled her eyes. At least it would get him out of the house for one day, she thought.

The Way to a Man’s Heart

Lina often asked Luke to dinner. Lina loved Luke, but Luke loved Lina’s cooking, not Lina herself. Lina accepted that for the time being. But she felt that, with enough meals and enough time, she would get her man.

Luke rarely stayed more than ten minutes past the last bite of dessert. Lina would ask Luke if he wanted to watch TV, or play cards or chess, or take a walk around the neighborhood, but Luke always declined. He always said, “I’ve got to go.” They both knew that Luke didn’t have to go anywhere. All he ever did was go back to his apartment and read books or go online.

Tonight was probably going to be more of the same. But Lina was a patient woman. She loved to cook, and she loved to watch people eat her cooking. Tonight she prepared shrimp, fresh green beans, mashed potatoes, and asparagus. Luke ate everything with gusto. Then she brought out her homemade cheesecake with vanilla ice cream for dessert.

Luke asked, “Are you trying to fatten me up for something? Every time I come over here, I have to eat celery and lettuce for a week to get back down to my normal weight.”

“Oh, stop exaggerating,” Lina replied. “You enjoy every mouthful.”

“You’re right. I apologize. I love your cooking, and if you didn’t invite me over here, I’d be hurt and hungry.”

Lina watched contentedly as Luke devoured the cheesecake and ice cream. Someday, she thought, I will be his dessert.

A School Girl Sues Her School

A straight-A student got a C in cooking class and didn't like it. She didn't like it so much that her dad filed a complaint in federal court about it. He alleges that the teacher, who is white, discriminated against his daughter, who is black. He seeks to have her grade changed from a C to an A and asks for unspecified financial damages.

Virginia Brown is in the ninth grade at Ashley High School. Since her first year in school, she has had perfect attendance and all her grades have been A's. Virginia's father said her heart was broken when she got the C.

"She cried the whole weekend," he said. "She wouldn't come out of her room. Her eyes were red and puffy. My little girl hasn’t been this upset since her cat got run over by a car when she was 6 years old."

Virginia is a model student. She's the class president. She's on the swim team, the volleyball team, and the track team. She belongs to the chess club. She is a member of the Girl Scouts and sings in her church choir.

The home economics teacher is 28-year-old Jessica Smith. This is her first year teaching. Ms. Smith said that discrimination was absolutely not the issue. “Some of my best friends are African-Americans," she said. “This isn’t a black and white problem. Everybody in America wants to sue everybody else. I’m going to sue them for defamation of character and whatever else my lawyer comes up with.”

The school principal, who grew up in India, said that he supported Ms. Smith 100 percent. He said that Virginia is an excellent student who would have no problem getting into the best universities even with a C in cooking. “She won’t have any difficulty finding a great university, but she might have problems finding a husband,” he laughed. “She’d better look for a man who likes to eat out a lot.”

Popular Park Reopens

The Silas Lake Park reopens today after being closed for six months. The park was closed because mud and rock slides destroyed part of Cambridge Road, the only access into the park. “We had to remove tons of boulders and rocks,” said Hugh Foster of the Parks and Recreation Department. “Then we had to rebuild a bridge and reconstruct almost a mile of highway. I’m really surprised we got it done so soon.”

The park is three miles north of Colfax on Highway 28. Cambridge Road is a two-lane highway that winds upward through Pearl Canyon before it descends to Silas Lake, which has about 20 miles of shoreline. The largest lake in the county, it is also famous for bass. In fact, the record largemouth bass catch in California occurred here in 1975. A 14-year-old boy caught a 19-pound bass.

The lake has two ramps for boaters, a full-service restaurant, a snack bar, a small tackle store, and a boat rental facility. As with all county parks, no alcohol is sold or permitted. More than 100 picnic tables have protective roofs and big barbecue pits. There are public restrooms with free shower facilities, lots of trash cans, and hiking trails for nature lovers. The west side of the park includes a softball field, a soccer field, and two volleyball courts. Horseshoes and kite-flying are two other popular activities. In the summer, a designated swimming area has a lifeguard on duty seven days a week.

The entry fee is $10 per vehicle and $10 per boat. Reservations are not accepted. The parking lot holds about 500 vehicles; if it is full, no additional vehicles are allowed to enter. Latecomers either leave or wait in line for someone to leave the parking lot. Some weekends there are three dozen vehicles waiting in line outside the gate. Because of many requests, park officials soon might start permitting campers to stay overnight on weekends.

The park is open from dawn to 10 p.m. during the summer. “We probably average 2,000 people here every day during the summer,” said Foster. “They come here to fish, swim, water-ski, jet-ski, picnic, commune with Mother Nature, you name it. People love this place.”

Better To Be Unlucky

Sam, an unemployed piano tuner, said it was only the second thing he had ever won in his life. The first thing was an Afghan blanket at a church raffle when he was 25 years old. But this was much bigger: it was $120,000! He had won the Big Cube, a state lottery game. To win, a contestant must first guess which number a spinning cube will stop on. The cube has six numbers on it: 1X, 10X, 50X, 100X, 500X, and 1000X. If he is correct, the contestant must then guess which of two selected variables is going to be greater. So, just guessing which number appears on the cube does not guarantee that you will win any money.

Sam correctly guessed 1000X, but he still had to choose between two variables. One variable was the number of cars that would run the stop sign at Hill Street and Lake Avenue in six hours. The other variable was the number of times that a teenage boy would change TV channels in a three-hour period. This was a tough decision.

Finally, Sam flipped a coin. It came up heads, so Sam picked the teenager. He picked right. The stop sign was run only 76 times, but the teen clicked 120 times. Sixty-year-old Sam jumped for joy, for he had just won 1000 times 120, or $120,000. Sam dreamily left the lottery studio. Talking excitedly on his cell phone while crossing the street, he got hit by a little sports car.

Sam is slowly getting better. He was in the hospital for a month. His hospital bill was $110,000. And the insurance company for the little sports car’s owner sued Sam for $9,000 worth of repairs. Also, Sam still has to pay federal taxes on his winnings. Sam doesn’t play the state lottery any more. He says it’s better to be unlucky.

Mothers day

A man stopped at a flower shop to order some flowers to be wired to his mother who lived two hundred miles away.
As he got out of his car he noticed a young girl sitting on the curb sobbing.
He asked her what was wrong and she replied, "I wanted to buy a red rose for my mother.
But I only have seventy-five cents, and a rose costs two dollars."
The man smiled and said, "Come on in with me. I'll buy you a rose."
He bought the little girl her rose and ordered his own mother's flowers.
As they were leaving he offered the girl a ride home.
She said, "Yes, please! You can take me to my mother."
She directed him to a cemetery, where she placed the rose on a freshly dug grave.
The man returned to the flower shop, canceled the wire order, picked up a bouquet and drove the two hundred miles to his mother's house.

Dads Blessings

A young man was getting ready to graduate from college. For many months he had admired a beautiful sports car in a dealer's showroom, and knowing his father could well afford it, he told him that was all he wanted.

As Graduation Day approached, the young man awaited signs that his father had purchased the car. Finally, on the morning of his graduation, his father called him into his private study. His father told him how proud he was to have such a fine son, and told him how much he loved him. He handed his son a beautifully wrapped gift box. Curious, but somewhat disappointed, the young man opened the box and found a lovely, leather-bound Bible, with the young man's name embossed in gold. Angry, he raised his voice to his father and said "With all your money, you give me a Bible?" and stormed out of the house, leaving the Bible.

Many years passed and the young man was very successful in business. He had a beautiful home and wonderful family, but realized his father was very old, and thought perhaps he should go to him. He had not seen him since that graduation day. Before he could make arrangements, he received a telegram telling him his father had passed away, and willed all of his possessions to his son. He needed to come home immediately and take care of things.

When he arrived at his father's house, sudden sadness and regret filled his heart. He began to search through his father's important papers and saw the still new Bible, just as he had left it years ago. With tears, he opened the Bible and began to turn the pages. And as he did, a car key dropped from the back of the Bible. It had a tag with the dealer's name, the same dealer who had the sports car he had desired. On the tag was the date of his graduation, and the words PAID IN FULL.

How many times do we miss Spirit's blessings and answers to our prayers because they do not arrive exactly as we have expected?

The Praying Hands

Back in the fifteenth century, in a tiny village near Nuremberg, lived a family with eighteen children. Eighteen! In order merely to keep food on the table for this mob, the father and head of the household, a goldsmith by profession, worked almost eighteen hours a day at his trade and any other paying chore he could find in the neighborhood. Despite their seemingly hopeless condition, two of Albrecht Durer the Elder's children had a dream. They both wanted to pursue their talent for art, but they knew full well that their father would never be financially able to send either of them to Nuremberg to study at the Academy.

After many long discussions at night in their crowded bed, the two boys finally worked out a pact. They would toss a coin. The loser would go down into the nearby mines and, with his earnings, support his brother while he attended the academy. Then, when that brother who won the toss completed his studies, in four years, he would support the other brother at the academy, either with sales of his artwork or, if necessary, also by laboring in the mines.

They tossed a coin on a Sunday morning after church. Albrecht Durer won the toss and went off to Nuremberg. Albert went down into the dangerous mines and, for the next four years, financed his brother, whose work at the academy was almost an immediate sensation. Albrecht's etchings, his woodcuts, and his oils were far better than those of most of his professors, and by the time he graduated, he was beginning to earn considerable fees for his commissioned works.

When the young artist returned to his village, the Durer family held a festive dinner on their lawn to celebrate Albrecht's triumphant homecoming. After a long and memorable meal, punctuated with music and laughter, Albrecht rose from his honored position at the head of the table to drink a toast to his beloved brother for the years of sacrifice that had enabled Albrecht to fulfill his ambition. His closing words were, "And now, Albert, blessed brother of mine, now it is your turn. Now you can go to Nuremberg to pursue your dream, and I will take care of you."

All heads turned in eager expectation to the far end of the table where Albert sat, tears streaming down his pale face, shaking his lowered head from side to side while he sobbed and repeated, over and over, "No ...no ...no ...no."

Finally, Albert rose and wiped the tears from his cheeks. He glanced down the long table at the faces he loved, and then, holding his hands close to his right cheek, he said softly, "No, brother. I cannot go to Nuremberg. It is too late for me. Look ... look what four years in the mines have done to my hands! The bones in every finger have been smashed at least once, and lately I have been suffering from arthritis so badly in my right hand that I cannot even hold a glass to return your toast, much less make delicate lines on parchment or canvas with a pen or a brush. No, brother ...
for me it is too late."

More than 450 years have passed. By now, Albrecht Durer's hundreds of masterful portraits, pen and silver-point sketches, watercolors, charcoals, woodcuts, and copper engravings hang in every great museum in the world, but the odds are great that you, like most people, are familiar with only one of Albrecht Durer's works. More than merely being familiar with it, you very well may have a reproduction hanging in your home or office.

One day, to pay homage to Albert for all that he had sacrificed, Albrecht Durer painstakingly drew his brother's abused hands with palms together and thin fingers stretched skyward. He called his powerful drawing simply "Hands," but the entire world almost immediately opened their hearts to his great masterpiece and renamed his tribute of love "The Praying Hands."

The next time you see a copy of that touching creation, take a second look. Let it be your reminder, if you still need one, that no one - no one - - ever makes it alone!